my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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