if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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