And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize