Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want nice things and good sex
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
