White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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