if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
