Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm sobbing to NWA
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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