have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
