you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
