omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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