his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize