dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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