Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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