I just saw a hot homeless man
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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