Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
