dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
