Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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