I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
