my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
