Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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