oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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