there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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