Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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