i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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