I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
