i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
