even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
