In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
