That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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