I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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