Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
