Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
