i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
