i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
