Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
