I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
