Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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