Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
