dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
