great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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