Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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