I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She bit a glass in half.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
