"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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