There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
