last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
