I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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