Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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