I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
