wanna go halves on a baby?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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