I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
