Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
