so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
