You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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