Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
