Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
