I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
