she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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