hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
