Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
