What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The best revenge is premature balding
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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